For months now I’ve known all the way down to my marrow that I’m not doing something right.
Make that years. Because it’s been more than one, but less than three.
And that’s a vague blanket statement on purpose. It’s not just one thing I’m doing wrong. It’s many, many things.
It’s letting clutter fill up my house and my head.
It’s continuing down a path that is (barely) paying the bills because it’s paying some of them.
It’s not making time for the thing that is pulling at my soul.
It’s starting projects and not finishing them.
So. Many. Things.
My husband called me on it last week. Mostly because I owe him money. I’m consistently borrowing money from him to pay bills because as I noted above, what I’m doing is only sort of paying the bills that I have.
How to fix this?
Well, conventional wisdom would say get a job. And in effect, I have. I am not really doing independent web design much at the moment – instead I’m contracting for other design groups and doing some virtual assistant stuff on the side.
I am unwilling to take the leap to “real job” because
A. I’m mouthy and independent
B. I don’t like asking for time off
C. I have kids with busy schedules and I’m not willing to not be there for that stuff.
I know this will work. I’ve done it this way before.
But even with all that – it’s not just the knowing in my bones. And it’s not just my husband being fed up with my nonsense. It’s getting to the point that God is throwing it up in my face every time I turn around.
Probably because I’m blatantly ignoring the nudges.
You know what I mean. The gentle prods to reassess the way you are looking at the world. He’s been telling me for a long time, and I just keep avoiding because I can’t see where the path is leading, and quite frankly I don’t like that.
And then I saw this:
Mark was my speech professor. He’s a smart guy. And while I’m sure it wasn’t his intention to drop a bomb on me, that’s just what he did.
The real thing that I need to do is the thing that I’m scared to do. The soul-pulling thing that is always in the back of my mind…that’s the thing I’m really doing wrong.
And when it all comes down to it – the real reason I can’t pay the bills, and I’m generally chaotic, and nothing is as it should be is because I’m not making the time for the thing I’m really supposed to be doing.
So this is it. I’m keenly aware that the sand is swiftly running to the other end of my own personal hourglass, and if I don’t push myself to do it, I may not ever do it. Or it’ll be right before I’m dead. And that’s not good enough.
Old ways won’t open new doors, so it’s onward and upward for me.