This one has been percolating in me for awhile. Brewing around, waiting for me to find all the words to say to get my meaning across.
I’m still not 100% feeling like I’ve got it all formulated, but I guess it’s time to leave off the dragging of my feet and just put it out there.
I grew up going to church. Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night, every week of my life until I moved out at the age of 18 1/2.
But even having grown up in a church-y environment, I’ve never felt 100% comfortable around church people.
This is most likely because they come off as being a little uptight.
They say things like, “I’m praying for you,” meaning that they ask God to make sure you are okay – but when they say it, it sounds more like, “Man, you clearly need Jesus.”
They tell you that Jesus will heal your aching heart, but when you still feel that same deep pain a year or two later – it leaves you feeling like you did something wrong; like Jesus doesn’t really like you all that much; or maybe like your faith just isn’t strong enough.
They make you feel like you should live up to certain standards before you can even think about calling yourself a follower of Jesus.
They make you feel like your language must be free of cussing, your cabinets should have no alcohol, and well, there is a whole litany of vices that most church people think you should rid yourself of BEFORE you get to know Jesus.
So, when I feel, like DEEPLY in my soul, that the purpose of my life is to help women find a boldness that allows them to fall headlong into the path that God has, for lack of a better word, destined them for…I feel very inadequate and super, well, not-qualified.
I mean, I’ve got the boldness part down. That’s no problem. Ask anyone who knows me IRL, and they will affirm that I have no inhibitions, and very little shame.
But to put myself out there like some sort of spiritual person… well isn’t that a little much?
I mean, I love Jesus…but I cuss a little.
Full disclosure – I cuss a LOT. (I try to keep it on the down low, because I’ve got kids, not because I’m some kind of holy-roller.)
I love Jesus, but I’m not even that good at boldly chasing my dreams either. I go in fits and starts, with weeks of action, followed by months of inaction.
Who am I to be the cheerleader for anyone else??? In my own mind, and in plenty of other people’s too, I am wholly unqualified.
But that’s not really how it works is it? I mean, if we felt qualified, we wouldn’t have a bit of trouble just doing what needs to get done, right?
I don’t have any problem cleaning up vomit after one of my kids is sick, because I know what to do, and it has to be done.
That’s not the best analogy, but it certainly applies.
Because the truth is, God doesn’t typically use the qualified to further His plan. Don’t believe me, just read any of the history books in the Old Testament.
Having your shit together is not a requirement for Him to love you OR work through you.
This is how it works…
It starts with a nagging feeling in your heart, begging you to take heed.
While simultaneously, you find yourself deeply mired in the depths of impostor syndrome.
You will have doubts. You will feel inadequate and unqualified.
But you have to find a way to do it anyway. Whether it’s joining a Facebook group, hooking up with a pal to keep you on track, or finding a good coach that fits your style – just do it.
If you want to chat, let me know. And if you want a shirt, you can get one in my shop.
Otherwise, I’ll leave you with the wise words of Shia LaBeouf…